My trip to Toronto did not turned out as planned. In my head I had painted a colourful picture of late nights out spent in laughter and stories, and sunny days spent gallavanting about my old haunts and favourite places like Kensington Market and Allen Gardens. Instead, I found myself feeling even more lonely here than in Montreal.
Perhaps it was becasue I had been looking forward to seeing my freinds more than anything that whole week. I missed them immensely, and we had made such exciting plans. Unfortunately, none of those plans got preformed due to my emotional response to the city.
I managed to get everything done on my To Do List before noon on my first day in Toronto. I had no clue what to do with myself and had no where to go. So, I just wandered around, went to some art galleries, and ate lots of ice ream (ice cream solves everything, if not for a moment). All my friends were sick, working, or just pre-occupied during the day, and by the time people were available, I was too depressed by my own company to be pleasant company with others.
I realized that I chronically isolate myself from others, resenting my self inflicted lonliness, but also enjoying my time alone. Its something I’ve always tried to fix, either my clothes or lifestyle, but never me. I’ve always said ‘I should smile more.” “I should be more optimistic and greatful for what I have.” I appreciate these qualities when I see them in others, but when it comes to making these changes in my own behavioural habits or way of thinking, I always seem to get lazy and fall back into my old ways. My trip to Toronto (the old life) really makes me realize this. I create my own confinement. I want to be cheerful, give hugs and cuddle, but I just can’t bring myself to do it, no matter how strong the desire. I walked around all of Saturday, just wanting to hug a freind, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I guess its the British in me.
While my friends went out tonight, I stayed in with a tub of ice cream. I’d gotten carrot cake ice cream made with rice milk. It was a vibrant shade of orange, with little chunks of cake in it. It was pretty good. I chatted with the roommates of whom I am staying with, and the company with the combination of the sugar made me feel better. So, I decided to have a quick power nap and meet my friends later, revived and merry.
I awoke from my nap when my friends came home. When they went to sleep, I got up. I checked my Facebook, finished off the remainder of the carrot ice cream, and sat in the chair by the window.
The window looked out on Brunwsick Ave, a quiet residential street in a posh part of town. I was at eye level with a maple tree, and enjoyed watching it sway and rustle in the soft breeze. Shadows of the leaves were cast on the window from the street lamps below, creating a layered of effect of tree, screen, shadow, and potted plant on the window sill. It was a lovely picture, but totally unphotogrphical. I tried to think how one would paint it, but couldn’t decide whether thinks would be rendered in varied degrees of black or dark green. Thus, I decided to write about it… resulting in this blog.
I think I’ll try to get back to sleep now. Goodnight.